Marathon Man

Yesterday Terry ran a full marathon on the elliptical machine at the gym.  Let that sink in for a minute.  26.2 miles on a machine with no change in scenery.  That guy has mental fortitude in depths I cannot fathom.  I went and cheered him on for the last 2 miles.  I'm amazed at him.

I'm also disappointed with myself.  When he originally told me this crazy idea, I said I'd come and walk part of it with him.  I wanted to.  I so wanted to.  But my heart has been increasingly bothersome and I was not physically able to do it.  It was all I could do to drag myself into the car and go cheer him on.

This has been happening more and more frequently, my heart keeping me from doing what I want to do.  The Rocket has cobwebs on her crossbar because I can't ride right now.  I can't count how many times I've cancelled plans with friends because I have to rest.  Sometimes I can't even carry a full laundry basket into the house because I lose contact with my left arm.

I was dealing pretty well with most of those minor inconveniences, but when I couldn't keep a promise I'd made to Terry, it really got me down.  I put on a happy face, but I really wanted to be a part of this thing he was doing.  And I couldn't.  I can't.  I won't be able to for some time.

Admitting I couldn't physically do it makes me sad.  So sad I can't actually say the words out loud.  Instead I say happy words like "I'm really proud of you, honey."  Those words are true, too.  I'm eager for the day when my heart is strong again and I return to a life where couldn't, can't and won't are erased by can, will, and do.