Thankful Thursday #48

This week I'm thankful for...

• three day weekends
• writing over breakfast at a local greasy spoon
• my little one who beaded a bracelet for me, complete with purple sparkly dolphin bead
• surviving another round of  parent teacher conferences
• the little girl on the swings who was writing in her notebook and pumping her legs at the same time
• vacation
• Edgar winner, Charlie Price, who asked me to show him some of my pages even after I busted his chops all afternoon at the local Author's Fair.  Charlie accepted his Edgar with grace and humility.  I have a lot to learn from him both on and off the page.

Letters to Little Ones: Coming Back

Dear Little One,

Sometimes you make me want to tear my hair out.  Not all of it, but some of it.  Not all of the time, but some of the time.  I have a feeling you feel like tearing your hair out some of the time, too, because navigating the world with autism is tough.  I know that and surely you do, too.  This is why instead of tearing my hair out, I breathe and you breathe and then we breathe together until we figure out a way to get from one thing to the next.

Disclaimer: This is a stock photo.

Lately you've been yelling at me.  Strike that.  You've been yelling at me all the time.  It's partly because anger is one of two emotions you understand, but also because you don't have a firm grasp on voice modulation.  When I point out that you're yelling and that you may not realize it, you shift into a somewhat calmer voice for a sentence or two until you forget and start yelling again.  And then I remind you again.  And so our dance goes, a halting two sentence two-step.

Little One, the occasions when you've spoken softly of your own volition are a rarity I can count on one hand.  And I do count them because every little success matters.  You speak in whispers when you're afraid, like when you slipped your hand into mine at the field trip where we watched dancers, white like angels, and you told me you were afraid that the devil was going to come out next.  Scary stuff worthy of your whisper for sure.

Today I reminded you that you'd have a guest teacher for the next couple of days and that we'd see each other again after Thanksgiving vacation.  You misunderstood and when we hugged goodbye, you whispered, "You're leaving?  I'm not going to see you again?"

My heart broke into brittle pieces, Little One, because you are so afraid of your loved ones leaving you.  I assured you I'd be back and we'd see each other again in a few days and you whispered, "I don't like this."  I could hear the fear in your voice.

Little One, I'm not leaving you.
Even when you make me want to pull my hair out, I will come back.
Even when I have to take deep breath after deep breath, I will come back.
Even when you spend the whole day learning not to yell, I will come back.
When you come to me with anger, or frustration, or fear, I will do my best to come back with patience, consistency and love.

Know this, Little One, you are worth coming back for.

It breaks my heart that someone you love doesn't think so.  And it tears me to bits that you associate loving with leaving.

And so I will spend the rest of our time together this year proving that I will always come back to you.  I will always come back for you.

Little One, I will always come back because of you.

Love,

Mrs. McCauley

Thankful Thursday #47

image courtesy of vejauan365.com

This week I'm thankful for...

• the awesome shark socks my little brother gave me.  The fascination I have with sharks cannot be contained in a week and now my feet can celebrate all year long.
• Terry's vanilla pancakes on a Sunday morning
• when the message at church hurts so good
• when spin class takes everything out of me and then some
• parent teacher conferences being two thirds of the way over
• Christmas colored Cadbury mini eggs
• taking my little ones to see Momix Dance Troupe
• early morning pillow talk
• a three-day weekend!

Fall Back

The trees drum my window pane.

The rain taps Morse code on my roof,
A storm is whispering its secrets to me,
Reminding me to fall back, fall back,
Fall back to sleep for a blessed extra hour.

The clock's red numbers blush at 4:36am,
Everything in the house is hushed,
Against the sound of the storm and your snores filling the air between us,
I close my eyes and fall back, fall back
Fall back into your arms.

You stir ever so slightly and I press into you,
Watching your eyelids flutter as dreams play in your mind.
I know the topography of your face like I know myself.
I kiss the scar beside your eye and fall back, fall back,
Fall back through decades of memories with you.

I watch ruby minutes flicker by,
You wake and tease me about stealing all the covers.
We giggle and wrap up in arms and legs and blankets,
I lie awake with gratitude for this extra hour to fall back, fall back,
Fall back in love with you all over again.

Photo by Martin Kenny of the gorgeous photo blog seenobjects.org

Thankful Thursday #46

This week I'm thankful for...

• the awesome birthday present I received, especially surprising being that my birthday is in July
• the pumpkin one of my little ones sewed for me in his sewing class
• the Cake Pops that same little one brought me.  Come to think of it, I received the Cake Pops and the birthday present on the same day.  Did someone switch my birthday without telling me?
• the fresh smell of clean sheets as I slip into bed
• steel-cut oatmeal
• pedicures
• driving with the top with the seat warmer on.  Hello, Fall!
• waking to the sound of wind chimes
• Terry, who took care of me while I was sick all weekend.  That guy did the laundry, changed the sheets, did the dishes, rented me a movie, rubbed my back and asked hundreds of times if I needed anything.  It's so lovely to be taken care of.
• Designer Bruce Mau's Incomplete Manifesto for Growth.  So much of it applies to my writerly life.  Shoot, so much of it applies to my regular life, too.
• Another year of NaNoWriMo madness!