The Great Turkey Chase

It was the perfect Monday morning.  Monday is college t-shirt day at my school, meaning I didn't even have to play Closet Showdown with all my clothes that I currently don't fit into.  I grabbed my jeans and tugged my red alma mater t-shirt over my head.  I didn't even care about my hair because it was going under my bike helmet anyway.

It was such the perfect morning that just as Magnolia True and I were about to turn onto the street my school is on, I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness came up on my playlist.  If there's a better song to ride to in the morning, I haven't found it.  I push the pedals a little harder and may or may not play air guitar on my handlebars during the guitar solo.  I'm less embarrassed about that than I should be, especially since my school is in a suburban neighborhood and I pass scads of parents and students in their cars every morning.

The street my school is on is all downhill on my commute to work.  I love this because it means I arrive to work mostly unsweaty and on my way home I stomp the pedals all the way up the hill.

So there I was cruising downhill to school singing along.

"I believe in a thing called love.  Just listen to the rhythm of my heart.  I believe we can make it, love.  We'll be rockin' 'til the sun goes do-"

That's when I saw it.

A turkey.

A giant, wild turkey strutting in a driveway to my right.  He was at least as tall as my bike wheels and he was all alone, which as you may have guessed isn't a sign of a well-balanced turkey.

I believe I've mentioned my fear of birds before.  So upon seeing this terrifying bird, I let a string of profanity fly.  I'll let you Mad Lib this one and insert your own avalanche of profanity on my behalf here:

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After I said a few choice words, I prayed the turkey wouldn't see me because a 6 foot tall woman in a bright red shirt blasting The Darkness on a bicycle can be stealthy, right?

Wrong.

As I passed by the turkey, he looked right at me, a sinister look from the depths of Hades.

"I don't want any trouble," I told him as came to be even with driveway that was apparently HIS TERRITORY.

I was riding as far away from the driveway as I could without veering into oncoming traffic, which, in hindsight, may have been preferable to what was about to happen.

The turkey made a beeline for me.

I uttered some more choice words and kicked my pedaling into high gear.

I could hear the turkeys devil claws scrabbling on the asphalt behind me.

I looked back only once.

The bird was gaining on me.

I pedaled harder, sweat dripping down my face, and went into a tuck-which looks absolutely ridiculous on a cruiser bike.

I prayed that the turkey wouldn't take flight because my bike helmet might stand up to those horrid talons, but surely my red t-shirt wouldn't.

Did you know that red is known to incite fury in birds?  I didn't find out that useful nugget of information until much later that day.

I ripped down the hill and careened into my school parking lot where I didn't stop pedaling, not even across the playground, until I reached the safety of my classroom door.  My heart was playing a crazy game of Frogger in my chest and my hair, which wasn't great to begin with, was now a sweaty, sopping mess.

To my great relief, I'd lost the turkey somewhere on the hill.  Of equal relief was that I had not peed my pants while he was in pursuit.  Small victories.

I haven't seen the turkey since that day, but I did receive this card a few weeks later from one of my little ones.

The feathers are from a turkey she hunted with her dad.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Be afraid, turkey, be very afraid.

Take that, turkey.  You'd better think twice before you mess with me.  I may be terrified of you, but I know a six-year-old little girl who isn't.  Consider yourself warned.