The Festivus Airing of Grievances

Happy Festivus!  Yes, we celebrate Christmas and Festivus in our house, a fact that Festivus purists probably find despicable.  What can I say, we like Jesus and the Festivus Pole.  Call it a Festivus Miracle and let the Airing of Grievances begin!

1. Shoe stores: It is ridiculous that you only carry up to size 11 in women's shoes.  There are a lot of tall women out there (namely me) with boats like mine who would like to purchase your shoes.  Please consider stocking size 12.  And, no, that one bright orange pair of size 12 sneakers hiding in a dusty corner does not count.  My feet are big enough.  I do not need them to be mistaken for CalTrans equipment.  Thankyouverymuch.


2. People Who Must Have The Last Word In E-mails: Let me do a quick little public service announcement: Some e-mails do not require a response.  For example, when I tell you we can talk about something more at our meeting in a few minutes.  You do not need to respond with a 'k'.  I will see you in a few minutes!  The only thing worse than responding with a 'k' is responding with :) and nothing else.  The solo smiley face makes me want to say bad words.  The madness has to stop, k?  Thanks. :)


3. Christmas Cards From Your Pet: It is maddening that your pet has it together enough to send out a Christmas card when I'm not nearly that organized.  Don't even get me started on pets who actually send full length Christmas letters!


4. Those Last 5 Pounds: You are infuriating.  It doesn't matter how much I exercise and eat right, you're still here.  I am forced to keep exercising and eating right into 2011 and I think that was your game plan all along.  Well played, 5 pounds, well played indeed.


5. Donald Miller: I'm reading your book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  I'm trying to finish it because I have a stack of books to read over vacation, but you have written this book so brilliantly and honestly that I keep stopping to think about it.  Not only do you write things that speak to me, but you write them in such a way that I have to revisit paragraphs time and again just to see how you crafted them.  If you could dumb down your next book a little, make it a little less thought provoking, maybe a tad less meaningful, that would be great.

Aaahhhh, I feel much better.  Your turn.  What are your grievances?

The Little Gingerbread House

Happy Festivus!  I had every intention of writing out my Airing of Grievances list, but it turns out I don't have a lot to be disgruntled about.  Most of my list revolved around laundry and the fact that Terry beat me soundly at the Feats of Strength this year.  The Feats of Strength took place at our gym and let me just say that I am not friends with the Bosu ball.  Terry, on the other hand, is gifted and talented on the Bosu.  I was so uncoordinated that one of the personal trainers actually told his client to stop doing sit ups so she could laugh at me.  Yes, I added that trainer to my list of greivances, but even so it was a sparse list.  So I leave you with a photo of our Festivus Pole and a story about a little gingerbread house.

Several Christmases ago our friends, Nick and Abby, threw a gingerbread house making party.  Their table was all a-sparkle with bowls of candy.  There were fluffy clouds of frosting to lather on graham crackers.  It was a fantastic party idea.  With hot apple cider in our bellies, we created some charming gingerbread residences.  I say residences because 'houses' did not apply to all of the creations.  Actually, charming didn't apply to all of them either.  Terry, for example, made a gingerbread trailer on blocks.  It was complete with candy tires in the front yard and tin foil windows.  Really, quite a work of art.  I designed a much more traditional boring house.

At the end of the night, Nick and Abby insisted that everyone take their creations home.  Terry and I are not keepers of stuff like that and after several failed attempts at leaving without our gingerbread masterpieces, we said goodbye and abandoned our creations on their front doorstep.  Nick and Abby retaliated and the structures went back and forth between our houses several times until they came to rest on the dryer in our garage.  Moisture in the garage damaged the gingerbread trailer beyond repair.  Those tinfoil windows just weren't structurally sound.  My little gingerbread house, however, remained intact.

I kept the house until the following December when Nick and Abby had yet another party.  Amazingly, we were invited.  This one was a white elephant gift party.  Yup.  You guessed it.  I wrapped up the house and put it in a pretty Christmas snowman bag.  Along with 15 Halloween glow stick bracelets and a random Christmas bear figurine.  Terry gleefully searched the house and threw in an Abs of Steel video and a golf putter laser thing.  What a steal, right?  What more could you want?  Although Nick and Abby did not go home with our prize collection of stuff, another pair of friends did.  I don't remember what Terry and I walked away with, but the gingerbread house was gone forever.  Or so I thought.

Yesterday we found a bag sitting on our doorstep.  Aw, someone left us a gift.  How sweet.  Wait that pretty Christmas snowman bag looks familiar. We opened the bag. Our hearts sunk as we discovered fifteen Halloween glow stick bracelets, one random Christmas bear figurine, one Abs of Steel Video, one golf putter laser thing and one Gingerbread House.  Other than the licorice siding that has come loose and a pungent sugary odor, the little house has remained strong over the past years.



As Festivus comes to a close, all I have to say is beware of pretty Christmas snowman bags on your doorstep because it's on.  It's so on.